Dalawang Salita

Last night was a really fun one with my friends. I insisted for my college barkada to come with me in my second time at Sev’s Cafe for an open mic poetry and spoken word slam:) The first time I attended, I was invited by my former theater orgmates as they are now part of Speak Philippines- the group that organized this once-a-month artistic/literary gathering). 

I told Ina three weeks ago to prepare her poems and dress up because I want her to recite. Makee and Pauie were so excited to watch her, of course, so they agreed to come. But as the host went where we were seated for signing-up of those who will perform, Ina said that she forgot to bring her poems and pointed at me to recite instead. oh No!!!!!!!

So, napagkaisahan lang naman ako ng mga MABABAIT kong kaibigan. They gave my name to the host and I’m in. I felt like choking in panic. But since my friends have FORSAKEN ME, I would have to push through. It would be my first time to actually recite my own poem in front of people; I usually just post them in my blog or let my friends read them in my journal.

By then, I was half-way through finishing the poem which I started just hours before, but I didn’t know how to end it; and I didn’t even intend to recite it because it is supposed to be a personal journal entry. In the end, I had to let my friends choose between my previous poems and the one I am working on. But they chose the recent one instead. Kasi daw, fresh ang emotions. So kinailangan kong tapusin ang poem AGAD-AGAD talaga. Di nako nagkaroon ng time mag isip ng magandang title, so pagpasenyahan nalang.

Okay fine. So below is the only video that captured the moment. Thank you for my supportive pero nakakabwiset na friends. Sobrang tinamad si Pauie lumapit, wala man lang akong close up shot. 😦

here it is (See beneath the video for the excerpt of the piece I recited):

 

‘Gusto kita’

Dalawang salitang

Paulit-ulit na tumutugtog saking isipan,

Parang musika,

Parang sirang plaka.

Dalawang salitang 

galing sayo.

Hmp. Nakakakilig…

Nakakainis na nakakakilig. 

Di ko maintindihan!

Siguro sobrang saya ko lang.

Halos isang dekadakong hinintay yan ha!

Hinihintay ko, mula sayo..

Hinintay kong sabihin mo. 

Pero bakit ganun?

Sa tagal-tagal kong hinintay ‘to,

nung dumating naman, bakit ngayon pa ako natakot?

Natatakot akong magbakasakali,

Natatakot akong masaktan mo,

Natatakot akong masaktan kita,

Natatakot akong mabalewala ang lahat.

Natatakot akong magtapos ito, kahit di pa man din nagsisimula. 

Yung saya, nasasapawan ng takot.

Kaya… patawad.

Patawad na hindi ko pa kaya.

Patawad dahil gustuhin ko mang maging nandyan para sayo,

para damayan ka, suportahan ka… hindi ko pa magagawa.

Patawad kung ginusto ko munang mag-ipon ng tapang, ng lakas,

para kayanin kong ipaglaban ka, kahit malayo ka na.

Patawad kung gusto munang ayusin ang buhay ko, 

ihanda ang sarili ko para sayo. 

Patawad na humiling ako ng oras, ng konti pang panahon

para matutong magtiwala.

Gusto ko kasi,

na sa susunod na sabihin mo ang dalawang salitang iyon,

buong-buo na ako para sabihing… 

‘Gusto rin kita’.

 

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