err.. How do we… really?
I was having those intimate convos with my Best Friend when I came up with an idea..”Lord, why don’t you let me forget about everything? Pwede bang mauntog ako ng sobrang lakas para magka-amnesia nalang ako? That would be a good way to escape this pandemonium, and start anew -with fresh beginning & new memories to make.” As if the physical pain is better than the emotional wounds. Of course I was joking with God when I said this. Had I known that He would take my statements seriously, I should have warned myself: Be careful what you wish for.
Several weeks ago, after this biruan with God, I was on my way home coming from our Cavite office. We left the place 10 minutes later than we used to and took the SLEX to C5 way as usual. While we were already along C5 Market Market area, my uncle called up and advised for us to take another route because there is an accident at C5 Kalayaan Flyover involving a 10-wheeler-truck, and 11 other vehicles, which will cause heavy traffic in the area. But his call went late as we have already caught up with the traffic by that time, so we were stranded on the road for hours. Later on, I found out that the accident occurred 10 minutes before we arrived the area.
There are truly blessings behind delays. Should we have left according to schedule, we could have been among the vehicles involved in the accident. Sabi ko kay Lord: “Ikaw naman, masyado mo sineryoso joke ko. Joke nga diba?”. Eh parang narinig ko reply Niya sakin: “Warning ko palang sayo yan sa mga pinaghihiling mo Sakin. May ‘forget forget’ at amnesia ka pang nalalaman.”
Some more weeks passed and I went through another set of major roller coaster ride of emotions. Sabay-sabay kasi lahat. I was out of track and nothing seemed right. At eto na naman si Lord, pinapakinggan ang mga reklamo ko sa buhay. At sinabi ko na naman sa kanya na if He could make a way to remove the pain by getting rid of the bad memories, I want Him to do it.
Days later, I was in a middle of a meeting when my mom called on me to asked about a certain thing. Seconds after confusion, I realized that she was talking about the sum of money she handed me for safekeeping. “Ma, teka, di ko ba nabalik sayo? Wala sakin yun.”, I said. She panicked. I panicked. She said I have not given it to her yet. But I really can’t remember where I placed it. True enough, I can’t concentrate on my meeting afterwards, after all it was not my money that I lost, it was my mom’s. 😦
Until now, I have not figured out where the heck I placed that large sum of money. I was so distracted that I have forgotten several other important things as well. Because of this, I feared that I might have fell ill with some sort of short term memory loss or even dementia.
My Golly. God is really serious about teaching me a lesson this time. “You want to kill your memories, right? Isn’t this what you wanted?”. Shet. Ano ba to Lord.
What I tried to do next is to meditate on my memories to test myself whether I still remember things right- from the most recent to the earliest. And what I saw with my eyes closed was remarkable.
I had a peek of a lot of those good, wonderful and amazing things that happened to me. The moments of genuine happiness, pure joy and love with family and friends, with people I encountered, those who passed and left and those who stayed.
I saw the bad memories too, but there seemed to be elements which I overlooked before as I was drenched in gloom: the presence of my family and friends. During the grief, all I saw was the mess. I have taken for granted my mom who hugged me when I wasn’t even telling her what my problems were; my brothers who kissed my cheeks after I cried myself to sleep; my sister who said she looks up to me; my dad who fetched me up on any place when I was about to go home late; my cousins who decided to take me out for a videoke time to wind up after office and give me realistic advices about life; my friends who answered my late-night calls for help or advice on certain things; friends who knew that my “I miss you” texts actually meant “I need a friend right now”; friends who would come right away for a COCOL (coffee-coffee lang) or if I say “let’s watch a movie that would make us cry hard”; friends who would say the meanest but most honest words of wisdom; friends who just listened and cried with me. And I remembered that those times I cried hard, were the times I laughed hard with them too. I know, bipolar lang ang peg. Pero I realized how the people I love, have loved me when I can’t even love myself.
As I peeked thru the most difficult parts of my life, I noticed that it is in those occasions of despair that God has been there with me. His embraces were tighter and warmer, His light shone the brightest, and His protection most intact. I was just too busy lamenting and trying to fix things on my own that I forgot about my Big God.
I forgot about my Best Friend that could move mountains, multiply the fish and bread into thousands, demand the storm to calm, heal the sick, and awaken the dead. I forgot that He died & resurrected Himself to save me. I forgot about the little miracles that He gives me each day. I forgot about the things I should be thankful for. I forgot that God wants me to be happy, to forgive myself in every mistake, and to let go of things that hold me from becoming the person He wills me to be. I forgot to trust Him and in the process I forgot how to trust myself.
Finally, I get His point. He can kill my memories anytime, if He wanted to. He can make my pain disappear in an instant, if I ask Him to. But in doing this, I have to forget the things of the past that had shaped me to who I am today, and who I will be tomorrow.
So how can I dare want to kill memories that remind me of how perfect God’s Love is?