The Last Post About You

Since I know you would never get to read this anyway (You have forgotten my blog’s URL by now for sure; or you should not be interested in looking at this at all)… But sorry, I have to write this down, because my emotions are overflowing and I have to tame them for me to go back to sleep. So… Here I go.

Woke up from a dream, thinking about you. Just like the old times. You were perfectly vivid in that dream; though it is kinda weird because I could never have thought that we would be walking side-by-side strolling Manila ever again, not after the last time in real life. What makes it weirder is that I was talking to you about this gem I just got from the moon when I ‘volunteered’ to be an astronaut and fought against the evil villain planning to steal it; and now I just brought it for safekeeping at the National Museum. WEIRD right?!

In that dream, all throughout the day we were like those good friends we used to be, though I could feel some awkwardness and tension between us. Finally I spoke about it… I asked you, “Do you now have a girlfriend?”. Why on earth would I want to know that?!! Of course I would expect that- yes you have now. If that moment was in real life and not a dream, I could have never asked you about it.

I wanted to say all the things left unsaid from the day you left. But in between sleep and waking up, I only said, “Good for you, I wish you all the best”. I woke up in this early dawn, thinking about you with tears falling from my eyes. I cried because all the pain came back to me…

For all those years that we have been great friends (best of friends, we could say), you have came back and forth the country several times to study and work there. But your departure in the Summer of 2014 was the most painful to me.  Perhaps because I realized that I have genuinely developed feelings towards you which did not come to me as strongly the past years before that.

To be honest, I had sincerely hoped that you were being true when you twice told me personally that you wanted us to be together (exact words: Gusto mong maging tayo.). But… there were always ‘buts’ (kaya lang…) in the sentences you gave; and they left me feeling like you were uncertain of me, that you were unsure if you really want to be with me. Back then I wanted to ask you to stay with me here in the Philippines, but I just can’t be the hindrance to your dreams for yourself and your family. And I was uncertain of my dreams for myself too.

Months after lamenting my seemed loss to the unfought fray and after not receiving the closure I deserved, I have decided to move forward and face the other battles I had to fight. In the process, I had to leave my blogging/writing habit because ‘writing’ reminds me of you… that letter I gave you, and those poems & blog entries that you were right about being inspired by you- I had to eradicate them all, both in my blog/journal and in my mind, in order to start over.

Little by little, I have moved forward. I had long accepted that perhaps God has a plan for both of us and those plans do not include us being together. I have forgiven you for breaking our almost-decade-long-friendship.  But above all, I had forgiven ME for being too hard on myself about why things fell apart, kahit ikaw ang unang bumitiw.

Now, I am glad to tell you that I have come back to writing; it has been months and I am happy to say that they are no longer about you. I realized that there are so many other beautiful things to write about, and so many things to explore. But thank you, thank you for inspiring the good start.

And why should I have such kind of a crazy dream about you again? To be honest, while I was starting to write this post, I was kind of mad at myself for apparently wasting the past year of recovering from heartache. 

But as I approached the end of this entry, I realized that the Universe had let me dream of you one last time to remind me na eto na ang tamang panahon to officially close things down on my own, permanently- in writing.

I may have tried to have these details unwritten before, because I would have wanted to say them to you personally; but I had already came to the point when I no longer need to see you or communicate with you to speak to you of these things- or about anything at all. Because right now, I am at peace with how things turned out. I have accepted the fact that people in our lives always come and go; and you are one of those people who are not meant to stay in my life simply because you chose not to. And I respect that fact.

Ultimately, one of the wisdom in all of these, is that to treasure each life’s lesson we may have to look back, but we don’t necessarily have to go back.

Like I said in my dream, for all the good things coming your way now- Good for you and I wish you all the best.

So finally, this is my last post about you… ever.

Struggles of a Wallflower in the Age of Social Media

Being among the crowd or following its trends has always been dreadful for me. Call me anti-social or introspective, whatever. I can’t speak for anyone else- it’s just  me. But really, whenever there is an activity where I got to meet people, I feel that I have lost so much of my energy at the end of the day that I just want to sleep. Same goes when I read updates on my newsfeed.

My work, self-development goals, personal affairs and community functions require me to attend parties, social events, seminars/workshops, and engagements, as well as communicate in messengers and emails. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do. As in super. I like learning new things through experiences, sharing the same tables with people with similar interests, and working together for a common aim. And I love improving my craft and serving people. Like I always say, my passions revolve around art and service, so it is naturally inevitable to be around folks.

Yesterday, I was in another writing workshop and I was feeling really giddy and all, because the topic was an interesting one. The facilitator said, “this is a good opportunity to build your network, so feel feel free to make new friends.” And I froze right there.

It’s. not. going. to. happen. I thought to myself. Needless to say, I went home with nobody added to my ‘network’. You know when they used to say when we were kids that we should be careful in talking with strangers? Yeah I took that by heart, unfortunately (or fortunately?). I usually attend workshops by myself, and unless a friend introduces me to another, I would not initiate any conversation. Ever. Or so I say.

One of the main subjects discussed in the workshop was the value of social media for a writer’s career in today’s age. The facilitators said that to reach your audience, you’ve got to  be efficient in using the social media platforms suitable for your content- and that includes Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterest, etc.

And there is where my problem lies. I am not active on social media.

How am I supposed to go about things now? Experts say that I can only be successful in the writing path that I want to take, by being active on the ‘new media’ or social networking by at least posting twice a day, when I didn’t even open my FB for a couple of weeks or so. Added to that is the fact that I am not fond of taking pictures of the places I go to or the meals I eat, yet I intend to start a food and travel blog. shoot. 

I am a ninja when it comes to food and travelling- I eat a lot and get lost often. Aside from arts and literature, those are two things I would really want to talk about should I really become serious in blogging.

So yep. You’re right, this is a mini rant about feeling like a victim and being stuck in indecision. But I’m not blaming anybody. I knew there’s something to improve about myself and on how I look at things. Maybe I’ll just work things around and soon find new ways. After all, I am deliberate about obtaining what I want.

Who knows, I might just get back to Instagram.

For now, I’ll take one step at a time: posting this entry on my Facebook page, perhaps.

Love is an Open Door

If there is one thing I have learned this year, it is to love: receiving and giving LOVE. Mahirap ipaliwanag kung paano ko yan napagtanto kasi ang dami kong pinagdaanan recently at ang sarap-sarap magreklamo sa buhay, but hey, sino bang tao ang walang problema. All of us are broken, one way or another. But we cannot fall victims to such brokenness. Gasgas na yung quote ni Will Bowen na “Hurt people hurt people.” because we always have the choice to use it to heal ourselves and others. Believe me, I have been there- deep and dark, and it is natural for us to wallow into its depth for some time. But sometimes we have to check ourselves, because we might be stuck there for too long, that we make it as an excuse in not taking charge. I used these periods of my life as an opportunity to  discover things that I have taken for granted all these years: things about myself, other people, and God. Hindi ako religious na tao, but I find it really comforting whenever may special moments kami ni God in silence. Kakaiba yung feeling pag kausap ko siya. Masaya. Sa sobrang saya, hindi mo mapipigilang umiyak dahil boom! niyayakap ka niya ng pagmamahal. I just can’t believe that I am being loved by this amazing God, who is a perfect father, brother, best friend, lover, mentor, and savior, not to mention that He is actually a King of the largest and only eternal Kingdom. By what I have gone through, my King has actually thought me what sacrificial Love the truest kind of love meant. 

It means letting go when you wanted to hold on, and holding on when you wanted to let go. It means not giving up on people, but giving them enough space to grow, to learn, to fail, to love, to hate. Giving them the choice to stay or to go, even if their decisions will hurt you and tear everything apart. Keeping the hope for their return, even if the odds say they will never do. Forgiving and accepting their weaknesses, strengths, and characters. Being brave enough to embrace the pain. Clinching to the fact that nothing will ever be constant but change. Detaching yourself from their words. Taking in the reality that these people you love can and will disappoint, hurt, and break you, but you will never have the willpower to return to them the pain because you knew how bad it hurts, and you knew you deserve the outcome of the better choice.

 But at the end of the day, nothing can ever match the sacrificial Love of God. He sacrificed His life, His greatness, so that we may live. And He continues to inspire us to commit to that one purpose that we are made for in this world, which is to Love. So keep it as an open door.

-Ayana Therese B. De Mesa

For my pieces of poetry, visit a collaboratory page with some friends at .Thanks a lot for dropping by! 🙂

semi paranoia

Me: Punta ako ng Mt. Maculot sa isang araw with High School friends.
Dad: Diba may hinoldap na hiker nung isang araw dun? Nasa balita ah.
Me: Okay lang yun, di na yun uulit ng ganun kabilis kasi fresh pa ang balita.
-Me During the hike: “Hala ginabi na tayo, baka may mangholdap satin dito”-

Me: Punta ako ng Baguio sa Saturday with High School friends from DPS.
Dad: Diba may minassacre na isang pamilya dun? Nasa balita ah.
Me: Okay lang yun, nahuli na yung suspects.
-Me during foodtripping in baguio: “Wala bang biglang papasok dito at babarilin tayo?”-

Me: Punta ako ng Hongkong tonight kasama sila ate.
Dad: Diba papunta dun yung Bagyong Henry (tropical storm Matmo)?
Me: Okay lang yan pagdating namin dun nakalampas narin yun.
Dad: E diba sunod sunod ang plane crash this week?
Me: Di naman siguro kami matyetyempuhan nun.
-Me during flight turbulence: “Okay I’m gonna die tonight. I better sleep and wake up in heaven.”-

Dalawang Salita

Last night was a really fun one with my friends. I insisted for my college barkada to come with me in my second time at Sev’s Cafe for an open mic poetry and spoken word slam:) The first time I attended, I was invited by my former theater orgmates as they are now part of Speak Philippines- the group that organized this once-a-month artistic/literary gathering). 

I told Ina three weeks ago to prepare her poems and dress up because I want her to recite. Makee and Pauie were so excited to watch her, of course, so they agreed to come. But as the host went where we were seated for signing-up of those who will perform, Ina said that she forgot to bring her poems and pointed at me to recite instead. oh No!!!!!!!

So, napagkaisahan lang naman ako ng mga MABABAIT kong kaibigan. They gave my name to the host and I’m in. I felt like choking in panic. But since my friends have FORSAKEN ME, I would have to push through. It would be my first time to actually recite my own poem in front of people; I usually just post them in my blog or let my friends read them in my journal.

By then, I was half-way through finishing the poem which I started just hours before, but I didn’t know how to end it; and I didn’t even intend to recite it because it is supposed to be a personal journal entry. In the end, I had to let my friends choose between my previous poems and the one I am working on. But they chose the recent one instead. Kasi daw, fresh ang emotions. So kinailangan kong tapusin ang poem AGAD-AGAD talaga. Di nako nagkaroon ng time mag isip ng magandang title, so pagpasenyahan nalang.

Okay fine. So below is the only video that captured the moment. Thank you for my supportive pero nakakabwiset na friends. Sobrang tinamad si Pauie lumapit, wala man lang akong close up shot. 😦

here it is (See beneath the video for the excerpt of the piece I recited):


‘Gusto kita’

Dalawang salitang

Paulit-ulit na tumutugtog saking isipan,

Parang musika,

Parang sirang plaka.

Dalawang salitang 

galing sayo.

Hmp. Nakakakilig…

Nakakainis na nakakakilig. 

Di ko maintindihan!

Siguro sobrang saya ko lang.

Halos isang dekadakong hinintay yan ha!

Hinihintay ko, mula sayo..

Hinintay kong sabihin mo. 

Pero bakit ganun?

Sa tagal-tagal kong hinintay ‘to,

nung dumating naman, bakit ngayon pa ako natakot?

Natatakot akong magbakasakali,

Natatakot akong masaktan mo,

Natatakot akong masaktan kita,

Natatakot akong mabalewala ang lahat.

Natatakot akong magtapos ito, kahit di pa man din nagsisimula. 

Yung saya, nasasapawan ng takot.

Kaya… patawad.

Patawad na hindi ko pa kaya.

Patawad dahil gustuhin ko mang maging nandyan para sayo,

para damayan ka, suportahan ka… hindi ko pa magagawa.

Patawad kung ginusto ko munang mag-ipon ng tapang, ng lakas,

para kayanin kong ipaglaban ka, kahit malayo ka na.

Patawad kung gusto munang ayusin ang buhay ko, 

ihanda ang sarili ko para sayo. 

Patawad na humiling ako ng oras, ng konti pang panahon

para matutong magtiwala.

Gusto ko kasi,

na sa susunod na sabihin mo ang dalawang salitang iyon,

buong-buo na ako para sabihing… 

‘Gusto rin kita’.


Why God Closes Doors

“We are all broken… I stand before you as a broken person.” -Bo Sanchez

On my spare time, I stumbled upon this video captured from the Grand Easter Feast held at MOA Areana this year (Which I failed to attend, of course).


Why God Closes Doors?

1) To prevent you from bigger trials.

2) To prepare you for better timing

“..the door opens at the right time..”

3) To press you to bolder trust in God.

4) Push you to brighter triumphs
“When things come late, it just means He wants something bigger For you”


Here’s the Part 4 of Bro. Bo’s preaching: Enjoy!!!! okay lang umiyak kung nakarelate! 🙂

(I do not own the rights to this video)


How to Kill Memories

err.. How do we… really? 

I was having those intimate convos with my Best Friend when I came up with an idea..”Lord, why don’t you let me forget about everything? Pwede bang mauntog ako ng sobrang lakas para magka-amnesia nalang ako? That would be a good way to escape this pandemonium, and start anew -with fresh beginning & new memories to make.”  As if the physical pain is better than the emotional wounds. Of course I was joking with God when I said this. Had I known that He would take my statements seriously, I should have warned myself: Be careful what you wish for. 

Several weeks ago, after this biruan with God, I was  on my way home coming from our Cavite office. We left the place 10 minutes later than we used to and took the SLEX to C5 way as usual. While we were already along C5 Market Market area, my uncle  called up  and advised for us to take another route because there is an accident at C5 Kalayaan Flyover involving a 10-wheeler-truck, and 11 other vehicles, which will cause heavy traffic in the area. But his call went late as we have already caught up with the traffic by that time, so we were stranded on the road for hours. Later on, I found out that the accident occurred 10 minutes before we arrived the area.

There are truly blessings behind delays. Should we have left according to schedule, we could have been among the vehicles involved in the accident. Sabi ko kay Lord: “Ikaw naman, masyado mo sineryoso joke ko. Joke nga diba?”. Eh parang narinig ko reply Niya sakin: “Warning ko palang sayo yan sa mga pinaghihiling mo Sakin. May ‘forget forget’ at amnesia ka pang nalalaman.” 

K. Fine. 

Some more weeks passed and I went through another set of major roller coaster ride of emotions.  Sabay-sabay kasi lahat. I was out of track and nothing seemed right. At eto na naman si Lord, pinapakinggan ang mga reklamo ko sa buhay. At sinabi ko na naman sa kanya na if He could make a way to remove the pain by getting rid of the bad memories, I want Him to do it. 

Days later,  I was in a middle of a meeting when my mom called on me to asked about a certain thing. Seconds after confusion, I realized that she was talking about the sum of money she handed me for  safekeeping. “Ma, teka, di ko ba nabalik sayo? Wala sakin yun.”, I said. She panicked. I panicked. She said I have not given it to her yet. But I really can’t remember where I placed it. True enough, I can’t concentrate on my meeting afterwards, after all it was not my money that I lost, it was my mom’s. 😦

Until now, I have not figured out where the heck I placed that large sum of money. I was so distracted that I have forgotten several other important things as well. Because of this, I feared that I might have fell ill with some sort of short term memory loss or even dementia. 

My Golly. God is really serious about teaching me a lesson this time. “You want to kill your memories, right? Isn’t this what you wanted?”.  Shet. Ano ba to Lord.

What I tried to do next is to meditate on my memories to test myself  whether I still remember things right- from the most recent to the earliest. And what I saw with my eyes closed was remarkable. 

I had a peek of a lot of those good, wonderful and amazing things that happened to me. The moments of genuine happiness, pure joy and love with family and friends, with people I encountered, those who passed and left and those who stayed. 

I saw the bad memories too, but there seemed to be elements which I overlooked  before as I was drenched in gloom: the presence of my family and friends. During the grief, all I saw was the mess. I have taken for granted my mom who hugged me when I wasn’t even telling her what my problems were; my brothers who kissed my cheeks after I cried myself to sleep; my sister who said she looks up to me; my dad who fetched me up on any place when I was about to go home late; my cousins who decided to take me out for a videoke time to wind up after office and give me realistic advices about life; my friends who answered my late-night calls for help or advice on certain things; friends who knew that my “I miss you” texts actually meant “I need a friend right now”; friends who would come right away for a COCOL (coffee-coffee lang) or if I say “let’s watch a movie that would make us cry hard”; friends who would say the meanest but most honest words of wisdom; friends who just listened and cried with me. And I remembered that those times I cried hard, were the times I laughed hard with them too. I know, bipolar lang ang peg. Pero I realized how the people I love, have loved me when I can’t even love myself.  

As I peeked thru the most difficult parts of my life, I noticed that it is in those occasions of despair that God has been there with me. His embraces were tighter and warmer, His light shone the brightest, and His protection most intact. I was just too busy lamenting and trying to fix things on my own that I forgot about my Big God.

I forgot about my Best Friend that could move mountains, multiply the fish and bread into thousands, demand the storm to calm, heal the sick, and awaken the dead. I forgot that He died & resurrected Himself to save me. I forgot about the little miracles that He gives me each day. I forgot about the things I should be thankful for. I forgot that God wants me to be happy, to forgive myself in every mistake, and to let go of things that hold me from becoming the person He wills me to be. I forgot to trust Him and in the process I forgot how to trust myself. 

Finally, I get His point. He can kill my memories anytime, if He wanted to. He can make my pain disappear in an instant, if I ask Him to. But in doing this, I have to forget the things of the past that had shaped me to who I am today, and who I will be tomorrow.

So how can I dare want to kill memories that remind me of how perfect God’s Love is?