Since I know you would never get to read this anyway (You have forgotten my blog’s URL by now for sure; or you should not be interested in looking at this at all)… But sorry, I have to write this down, because my emotions are overflowing and I have to tame them for me to go back to sleep. So… Here I go.
Woke up from a dream, thinking about you. Just like the old times. You were perfectly vivid in that dream; though it is kinda weird because I could never have thought that we would be walking side-by-side strolling Manila ever again, not after the last time in real life. What makes it weirder is that I was talking to you about this gem I just got from the moon when I ‘volunteered’ to be an astronaut and fought against the evil villain planning to steal it; and now I just brought it for safekeeping at the National Museum. WEIRD right?!
In that dream, all throughout the day we were like those good friends we used to be, though I could feel some awkwardness and tension between us. Finally I spoke about it… I asked you, “Do you now have a girlfriend?”. Why on earth would I want to know that?!! Of course I would expect that- yes you have now. If that moment was in real life and not a dream, I could have never asked you about it.
I wanted to say all the things left unsaid from the day you left. But in between sleep and waking up, I only said, “Good for you, I wish you all the best”. I woke up in this early dawn, thinking about you with tears falling from my eyes. I cried because all the pain came back to me…
For all those years that we have been great friends (best of friends, we could say), you have came back and forth the country several times to study and work there. But your departure in the Summer of 2014 was the most painful to me. Perhaps because I realized that I have genuinely developed feelings towards you which did not come to me as strongly the past years before that.
To be honest, I had sincerely hoped that you were being true when you twice told me personally that you wanted us to be together (exact words: Gusto mong maging tayo.). But… there were always ‘buts’ (kaya lang…) in the sentences you gave; and they left me feeling like you were uncertain of me, that you were unsure if you really want to be with me. Back then I wanted to ask you to stay with me here in the Philippines, but I just can’t be the hindrance to your dreams for yourself and your family. And I was uncertain of my dreams for myself too.
Months after lamenting my seemed loss to the unfought fray and after not receiving the closure I deserved, I have decided to move forward and face the other battles I had to fight. In the process, I had to leave my blogging/writing habit because ‘writing’ reminds me of you… that letter I gave you, and those poems & blog entries that you were right about being inspired by you- I had to eradicate them all, both in my blog/journal and in my mind, in order to start over.
Little by little, I have moved forward. I had long accepted that perhaps God has a plan for both of us and those plans do not include us being together. I have forgiven you for breaking our almost-decade-long-friendship. But above all, I had forgiven ME for being too hard on myself about why things fell apart, kahit ikaw ang unang bumitiw.
Now, I am glad to tell you that I have come back to writing; it has been months and I am happy to say that they are no longer about you. I realized that there are so many other beautiful things to write about, and so many things to explore. But thank you, thank you for inspiring the good start.
And why should I have such kind of a crazy dream about you again? To be honest, while I was starting to write this post, I was kind of mad at myself for apparently wasting the past year of recovering from heartache.
But as I approached the end of this entry, I realized that the Universe had let me dream of you one last time to remind me na eto na ang tamang panahon to officially close things down on my own, permanently- in writing.
I may have tried to have these details unwritten before, because I would have wanted to say them to you personally; but I had already came to the point when I no longer need to see you or communicate with you to speak to you of these things- or about anything at all. Because right now, I am at peace with how things turned out. I have accepted the fact that people in our lives always come and go; and you are one of those people who are not meant to stay in my life simply because you chose not to. And I respect that fact.
Ultimately, one of the wisdom in all of these, is that to treasure each life’s lesson we may have to look back, but we don’t necessarily have to go back.
Like I said in my dream, for all the good things coming your way now- Good for you and I wish you all the best.
So finally, this is my last post about you… ever.